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[personal profile] leavingslowly

Rating: PG-13
Characters: Sam POV
Genre: Angst
Summary: Sam's not the same man he was a few years ago, and he's not who he thought he'd be, either.  Sam's thoughts during the infamous Gordon Death Scene in "Fresh Blood."
Disclaimer:  Not mine.  Although if it was, things would be going much differently.  And Sam would be shirtless a whole lot more.




Flesh gives beneath wire, blood sprays, and you know this feeling.

It’s like being on a rollercoaster, and the train is at the top of the highest drop and you’re looking down and the ground is a hundred feet from where you are.   You know that’s where you’re going, no matter what you do because you’re on the ride and you’re strapped in.

Your eyes are open when Gordon’s head finally comes apart from his body, but you don’t see it happen.  All you see is the ground. 

This is who you are now, what you’ve become, where you’re going.  Gordon was a crazy psycho bastard, but you know that there’s something wrong with you, too.  You know you have demon blood in you and that has to mean something (if it can’t be used to save Dean, though, you aren’t going to think about it).  And even if it doesn’t . . . you’re still not the man you used to be, or the one you thought you would become. 

Dad was right.  School, grades, being normal, fitting in, college—none of it mattered.  It’s someone else’s life you remember, not your own.  It was never your world. 

Dean is staring at you from across the room, stumbling as he clutches his neck and sees Gordon.  Sees you, and puts two and two together.  You see shock, surprise, maybe a little bit of horror, and then it’s all gone, replaced by relief, but you return a blank stare.

You belong in the dark and the shadows now, hunting things – not saving people, not the family business anymore, because it’s so much more than that.  It’s a destiny.   You’re becoming who you need to be to save Dean. 

Gordon is just the first of a thousand obstacles standing in your way, and you know at this moment that you’ll slay a thousand of him if it means saving Dean. 

Even if it means losing yourself along the way, you’re gonna save Dean.


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